The Paradox

Alchemy of the irreconcilable

There is a paradox here. In a reality built on the mechanics of Duality, there are many. Since immersing in Eastern philosophies over 25 years ago, I’ve grown comfortable with them, and even been able to settle several within myself. This is the work of the alchemist.

But there is one that has been a constant in my life. As I bring it to heart and mind, I can feel a very young aspect of myself still in a state of confusion over it. Every time I encounter it, it pings a signal back to this young aspect of me, we connect over time and space, and I have to confess to her—I’m sorry…I still haven’t found the answer you’re seeking.

I count myself amongst the blessed on this planet who have been able to experience the ineffable, numinous truth of the Love from which all of this—you, me, the elements, light, dark matter, galaxies, atoms, bliss, pain—arises. Somehow, some way, a field of light emerged from the void and exploded from this Love, creating all that is and all that we can possibly perceive.

As I dissolved into this—completely…utterly…everything left me. I actually laughed and laughed at how my mind couldn’t even bring words to mind, it was simply to be experienced. The only ones I could conjure there were: Wow, Thank You, Yes. And more laughter.

Lots of laughter. Because this is the grand Cosmic Joke.

There are places where Duality is not the operating system. But that is not here.

Here, we are tasked with a particular challenge. The gift of Duality is that we get to experience ourselves via others and everything we consider external. If we are constantly hooked up to the knowing and truth of the great Oneness, then we have some blinders on. Eventually, someone will wonder: Well…if all is Love…how do we know? If all is Love, then what is not-Love?

And whoever that asshole was, they are to blame for all of this. I suspect it was Me. Not “me,” but “Me.” Somehow I chose this. I was told it would put hair on my chest. I guess that’s an award of some kind?

But if all is Love, and we are an eternal energy in a temporary body, then what do we have to be afraid of? It seemed like a good idea at the time. They told me I would forget on the other side of the veil after birth, and I was like, “Fine, fine…whatever.”

I had no idea. I should’ve reviewed the fine print of the terms and conditions.

Because the paradox I have yet to resolve is how at the human level of our daily experience, how can all this Love feel like not-Love?

I already know the truth. The ruse is up. I don’t get to fall back into the forgetting. Somehow, it’s up to me to build a bridge from human suffering to the truth that all is Love. Not little “l” love defined by human ego and agenda. Not conditional love. But big “L” Love.

That’s great. But the little girl inside of me still believes that somehow, some way, Love can and will conquer all. I have yet to prove it to her here. And I am afraid I will fail in this lifetime.

There was a moment…a sweet, long moment…she got to relax and play. She felt safe and accepted. It felt like home. I thought I had built the bridge, but then she opened her eyes and I was standing in the middle of a rickety suspension bridge swinging over the abyss.

Luckily, I have other aspects that are well-trained in emergency procedures. They are equipped to deal with this reality, this place where Love plays hide and seek. They are referring to their maps and setting up their grappling hooks to get me to safety. Others are preparing snacks and tea.

I also have aspects who are saboteurs, chomping on cigars while armed with Molotov cocktails, broken bottles, and AK-47s. It’s like I have my very own A-Team. The key is: Who am I going to let drive the A-Team van? (Yes, I just aged myself…)

While the human-level drama swirls, I recognize the pattern. I recognize that this is a node that plays out on my spiral, pinging me periodically as a reminder that I haven’t been a good alchemist. Not yet. I haven’t quite cracked this one, I haven’t descended the knowing of the truth into my daily life. There are times I can touch it…just briefly…like a sweet breeze that can only flow through the apple blossoms once a year…

Because, as I’ve mentioned in a previous post, this dualistic reality of ours contains inversions. It’s quite a brilliant design. It’s like a choose-your-own-adventure of chasing pure light through a prism with an infinite number of facets and mirrors. And a fortune cookie message I have in my pocket tells me that “It’s all Love.” So when I meet not-Love, I pull it out and look at it. I chew on it, turning it over and over in my mouth. It still tastes bitter, but maybe less than it did at first.

Maybe someday, I’ll do it. Because I am the bridge. I will hollow myself out, I will empty out all that is not-Love so I can be filled with Love, I will seek what is seeking me. *fist bumps Rumi*

In the meantime, little me…I’ve got you. I heard your call and so I came as fast as I could. You are not alone. And I promise, I’m working on it. We’ll figure this out together.

(For any Gene Keys fans out there, I refer you to the 33rd Gene Key. The Shadow of Forgetting becomes the Siddhi of Revelation via the path of Mindfulness.)